Dragon Slayer Wanted?

100% genuine personal ad (man seeking woman):

I am single by design - no game players, egos' or attitudes, just real sincerety. Life is to short to waste, for tomorrows may never come. If you are searching for a man man, then read on. You won't be dissappointed if you are sincere. Read on!!

If Stars were my Dreams then our journey would be a Galaxy. I would have to say one of the greatest gifts from my MOM was ( because my dad died when I was 14 ) old fashion values and morals, respect and tradition, chilvary and love. NOW FOR THAT LITTLE BIT OF HUMOR WITHIN THIS SINCERE LETTER! (;-} I remember the time when King Aurthor ( He had a few to many Pina Coladas that day ) told me I had to go out and slay all the dragons in the Kingdom in order to bring honor to his people and Kingdom, and my reward would be a very special Princess that my heart has longed for, anyplace in the world. He figured the best man for this adventure at 5'9", 46 years young,white male, brown hair and hazel-brown eyes, ( spiritual ) , Educated, Self Employed, with child living in Oregon, velvet and steel, weighing in at around 165 pounds, with an athletic build, could defeat these with an athletic build, could defeat these wild beast. The king knows I don't drink or do drugs and have a love for life and the future. So I grab my best weapon, ( which was my bag of kindness, love and peace, you have to have a since of humor for this job and there's not much time for TV and would rather be out doing something fun with my princess, ) and went about the Kingdom finding all the dragons. For this Kingdom is near the ocean. One by one I filled these furosious dragons with my magic weapon ( love, kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty, faithfulness ) and talked them into becoming furnaces to heat the castle, for you have read about how cold these castles are in New England in the winter times. ! We now have running hot water to bathe with-(Dragon Fire)! I love being clean and groomed. Because of my heroic effort King Author Knighted me and I am known as Prince Fred. He asked me what was this Princess substance that I would want, and I said, "nothing more than what I am willing to give." So tell me Prince Fred what is that? ( to be continued when I here from you ) smile !

Heh?
The best man for the job was a guy with a child living in Oregon? What exactly does velvet and steel refer to? Are those his kids' names? Or perhaps he named a couple of his appendages? What did Prince Fred grab? Oh yeah, his best weapon - his bag o'kindness, love, and peace! He sounds dreamy. Then he filled the ferocious - or were they furious - dragons with his magic weapon. Perhaps they were sexually frustrated dragons...? Aside from Prince Fred's poor grammar, spelling, bestiality, and undesirable description of his bag, I'd have to say another reason to resist this man is that he didn't exactly complete the task King Author (the novelist?) had given him. The king told him to slay the dragons, not talk them into becoming furnaces. Nobody wants a prince that's going to do a half-assed job or shirk his responsibilities.